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JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

TELL HUMORUS STORIES OR JOKES, LIMERICKS WHATEVER YOU GOT, NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!!

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Latest Activity: Jan 12

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas Season

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends 
and had a few too many merlots and some rather nice limoncello.
 
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Discussion Forum

The Redneck & The Game Warden(True Story)

Started by Don Bob Bush May 25, 2011.

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Comment by Don Bob Bush on June 8, 2013 at 4:30pm

THE TRUTH ABOUT VASELINE:

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.

“Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge, but in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking …??!

Comment by Don Bob Bush on June 7, 2013 at 4:25pm

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" 

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. 

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. 

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. 

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. 

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. 

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. 

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." 

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." 

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. 

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Comment by DestinationDawn on July 22, 2012 at 2:00pm

Ha Ha!!!! You Got me!!! Funny one!!!

Comment by Don Bob Bush on May 30, 2012 at 3:30pm

Good one Steve...LOL

Comment by STEVE TROYER on May 30, 2012 at 9:41am

A great time to visit Grandpa and Grandma over the holiday weekend was expected when pulling into their driveway we noticed grandpa sitting in the front porch swing without his pants on....we made the kids use the back door and walked slowly toward the gallant old WWII veteran...'DO YOU REALIZE YOU DONT HAVE ANY PANTS ON?' ...he said it was grandmas idea...LAST WEEK I WAS OUT HERE WITHOUT MY SHIRT AND GOT A STIFF NECK.

Comment by Don Bob Bush on December 31, 2011 at 6:42am

A man has lost his wife in the supermarket and approaches a woman he's never met before. "Hi, I've lost my wife, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks.
"Why in the world do you want to speak to me?"
He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

Comment by Don Bob Bush on August 4, 2011 at 8:02pm
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Comment by Don Bob Bush on July 30, 2011 at 2:14pm
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.

The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
Comment by STEVE TROYER on June 30, 2011 at 12:39am
A new drink was invented by a local bartender....its called USAMA....It contains 2 shots and a splash of salt water
Comment by STEVE TROYER on June 27, 2011 at 9:35am
Irish twins are born in Dublin and when they grow up they make a pact to always order two beers at a time and think kindly of the brother as they drink the first beer and of course the other beer is for themselves...One twin moves away to New York City and becomes quite famous locally because he would always order 2 beers at a time in all the beer gardens...this goes on for many years until one night he only orders one beer and quietly walks to a corner table...the bartender is worried that his brother has died and gingerly approaches with the tray..."So Patty, I hope your brother Gerald is well! ....."Oh yes, Gerald is feeling well, as for me I have been sick and decided to quit drinking!"
 

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